taysaffirmations-deactivated201 said: this is cliche but i'd just like to tell me how much i love your blog. i enjoy reading articles empowering black women because exposing a lot of the issues in "the black collective" without playing the victim card; instead of inactive complaints about how "the country/society doesn't do anything for/is unfair towards black women," your blog focuses on the proactive attitude that black women need in order to live prosperous lives. Your blog offers a myriad of subjects to ponder over that revolve around both our physical and mental well-beings. The thing that really appeals to me, however, is the fact that you can effectively present your ideas on such a heavy topic as race, ideas that I've either always thought but could never articulate or have never noticed until you brought light upon the issue. Sorry this is so long, but I want to encourage you in sharing your thoughts with us. (:

Hey Taysgallery!!

Seriously, your comment just made my day! Thank you for the lovely words!!

Sorry this is so long, but I want to encourage you in sharing your thoughts with us.

Umm have you seen my replies?? This is far from long :) I would love to share more of my thoughts, but I would like to hear more from the subbies. There are A TON of you but only a few of you interact with me. Am I that scary?? Or are people afraid of revealing themselves? That’s what the “anon” option is for people lol.

"The thing that really appeals to me, however, is the fact that you can effectively present your ideas on such a heavy topic as race, ideas that I’ve either always thought but could never articulate or have never noticed until you brought light upon the issue."

This is what I have gotten and continue to receive from the BWE blogosphere. Starting this blog is how I show my gratitude for being woken up from the voluntary coma I was in.

If there are certain topics/questions/comments you or anyone reading would like to talk about that does not involve the USUAL ranting/complaining with no action that AA’s have become synonymous with, then drop me a message.

Thanks again for the encouraging words : )

Live Well!

worldoflildots said: Hi, I just wanted to make a comment about your previous post where phunkiphace stated:

"...We can't just empower ourselves and leave everyone else in the dust without any making any attempt to help them better themselves. We should encourage not only black women, but other women, as well as black men, as well as men of other races... I mean, shouldn't every one try to contribute to make the world a better place?"

My problem is this; why is it always left up to black people to help make the world a better place for everyone else? People from all over the world have came to America and remained within the conclaves of their own race and culture and have thrived doing so without having to be burdened with the responsibility of lifting up everyone. But when black people want to do something for themselves, to uplift ourselves, we have to bring everyone with us, We have to keep EVERYBODY in mind, not just ourselves and our doors have to be open to everyone despite the many doors that have been closed to us.

I know this doesn't have anything to do directly with the concerns of black women, it was just something I had to get off my chest.

Hi Worldoflildots!!

You said:

"I know this doesn’t have anything to do directly with the concerns of black women, it was just something I had to get off my chest."

Hush woman, of course it does lol!!

This is what most AA bw have been doing FOREVER! They have been told to look out for everyone else BUT themselves. Forget the rest of America, THIS IS WHAT HAS BEEN GOING ON WITHIN THE BLACK “COMMUNITY”.

I really hope the black women reading this click this link read if they haven’t already. We need to start asking ourselves, “What’s in it for us? How is this going to help or hurt me?” By “us”, I mean black women. I’m not interested in trying to grab all the photos in the house that’s on fire. My survival (the survival of other link-minded bw and little black girls who can’t defend themselves) is what I’m worried about.

I’m going to be honest and say I do not fault others for exploiting our willingness to give everything. They are doing what I want other bw to do. PUT THEMSELVES FIRST. We have to get to a point where we take accountability for our own actions and set some boundaries. If XYZ group wants my support on ABC cause, I am entitled to ask further questions and consult with me, myself and I. I don’t just blindly ASSUME because I am giving them all of my hard labor, they have my back. That is a dangerous assumption and has not served bw well thus far.

I can understand this going on as a child if this is all you’ve been taught. Once you are older (20s) and working and/or going to school, you have get your head out of the sand and make some decisions. It’s not enough to say, “Oh well this is how I grew up! This is all I know! Woe is us! Poe us!”

I’m telling you, those BWE blogs was like when I would take long hot showers and one of my brothers would sneak into my bathroom and pour a big cup of cold water on me (the little gremlins). It’s a shock to the system. In my situation, it wasn’t a wakeup call as much as it was an affirmation of ALL the feelings I’ve had about what was going on with blacks in America that blacks refused to talk about. I realized I wasn’t crazy. I’m sure their messages were a wake-up call for many, but I knew it all along and couldn’t articulate in the way that they could (Khadija, Hailma, Evia, Faith, etc).

So now that you have gotten that off your chest…What do you think black women should do to prevent themselves for getting exploited, and used? I pose this question to you and everyone else reading this. These don’t need to be long detailed replies, but any suggestions you have. I’m curious to hear from more bw.

As Faith mentioned in her recent blog post, the election is right around the corner. We know the majority of AA’s that were eligible and voted for President Obama were black women. We’ve have the first black president, been there done that.

Now it’s 2011. What are the issues that are important to black women that we want the presidential candidates to address this time around? Hope to hear from you all on any of the questions or topics brought up :)

Thanks for dropping the comment Worldoflildots.

Live Well!

At the end of the day, this blog is focused on black women.

I think some of the people who leave me comments in my ask box are confused, so let me clarify a few things :)

I don’t create these posts in order to get bw further entrenched in mammyville. I post so that you recognize the dysfunction you display and/or those around you display and help you realize you haven’t really benefited from it.

A couple of people have been requesting my time so that “we” can understand each others perspectives and work together on putting the community back together. Every bw should know by now that when bm want to “work together” to save the “community”, they really mean bw will work their asses of to salvage something that is beyond repair while they disappear to do something else.

First of all, what community do you speak of? I see a collective of black folks, but no community.

Why is it that people always bring that “let’s take our community back” to bw and bw-related sites? Why aren’t these questions posed to other bm sites? You know..the ones where bm are constantly bashing black women? Why don’t you seek their help keep in keeping the “black community” together? BW have attempted to try and keep the bc together for how many decades with more and more bm sitting on the sidelines. Let’s be clear. Just because bm aren’t attacking you physically or mentally doesn’t make them your ally and it doesn’t mean they will protect you. Protection. That’s another thing a community needs to function and you see very little of it, if any, in black neighborhoods.

What kind of sideline behavior, you ask?

-They don’t report crimes committed by other bm, because of the “no snitching” code.

-They don’t collectively and publicly denouncing the mass amounts of bm who inpregnate bw and up and leave them to fend for themselves and their children.

-They blame feminism and matriarchal society for their shortcomings with bw.

-They invest very little in their own neighborhoods because he never intending on settling there while calling out bw for settling in nicer neighborhoods as stuck up or too good for black folks.

-And the usual wasting resources on sex trips to Brazil, domincan rep, buying cars, motorcycles, rims, gold chains, loud crazy color clothes with expensive sneakers to match then complaining about white folks not wanting to invest in black folks.

-They don’t lift a finger when bw are being attacked in media. We all know about the recent controversy with Psychology Today. I am LAUGHING at all the black women who RUSHED to the defense of rapper Common. Has the favor been returned to you in THIS situation? Where is the mass rush of black men to defend you after this attack?? Where’s Al and Jesse? Where are all the black KANGS who you put on a pedistal? Why haven’t they spoken up yet? How come they haven’t come to your defense? Deep down you know the answers to these questions…

It is nearly impossible to rebuild anything with just the women of that group cooperating. It won’t work and bw have attepted to do it for the past few decades and it HAS NOT WORKED.

At the end of the day, this blog is focused on black women.
Not a “black community” blog.

Not a “save alla people” blog.

Not a “let’s cut bm some slack cause da white man opresses da bm” blog.

If I have to bring up bm in order to stress my point, I will. All the name calling in the world is not going to keep me quiet. And to be clear, it is fine if you disagree with some of my content. I am sure that the people that follow me don’t agree with everything I say and that’s fine. I say, take what you need and leave the rest.

Live Well!

If You’re A Straight Black Woman, Delete The Following Term From Your Vocabulary: “Heteronormative”

For African-American women to learn how to ask the questions, “What’s in it for me to support X? How does X pertain to MY interests?” Now, I’ll play along as long as supporting generalized X isn’t cutting my own throat or my own group’s throat. But I’m not going to cut my own throat to be in solidarity with anybody. Nobody else does that for African-Americans. And I don’t blame them, because that’s too much to ask.

For an example from a different context, nobody has been able to explain to me how using the terminology “undocumented workers” brings any benefit whatsoever to African-Americans. Instead of referring to non-citizens who illegally enter and remain in this country as “illegal aliens.” Now, I see why Latinos want everybody to use that terminology. It benefits them because they’re the main ones who are entering this country illegally. And many of them don’t want this country to safeguard its borders or enforce its immigration laws. But since the term “undocumented workers” does nothing to benefit me or mine, I won’t use that term.

Well, I believe similar dynamics apply to this “heteronormative” terminology. This type of terminology serves the interests of GLBT people. (By pretending that heterosexuality is somehow not the majority, “default setting” for most humans. Similar to how right-handedness and brown eyes are the majority “default settings” for most humans.) But this type of terminology brings NO benefit to straight African-American women. Straight African-American women can’t afford to unnecessarily align ourselves with deviation from the mainstream. We’re already being stigmatized, and stigmatizing ourselves, as being deviant in a multiplicity of ways. For just one horrid example, think about the movie Precious. This type of talk is a luxury item that we can’t afford.

Read entire post at Sojourner’s Passport…

Evaluating Men For Alliances & Marriage Series #7: Before They Are “Men” - Advice About Teens & College-Age Males

First of all it would be better for you as a young girl and woman developing mentally, physically and emotionally to HOLD OFF on any sexual activity…but I realize that may be too late for many of you. Nor is that a necessarily popular stance to propose because we’re all so modern, advanced and “free”. Freedom costs…a lot by the way.

This is not about judgment or restricting a girl’s right to exploration, but an analysis of benefits/disadvantages that every young woman ought to consider should things not go the way she hopes. Or before she’s had to chance to figure out what she really wants. Of course it’s best if no one knows your level of “experience” regardless — not even your girlfriends because people are not always discreet. The series also tends to focus more on your “average” girl or guy from Western society with added emphasis in how black girls/women can utilize situations to their advantage.

Continue reading at Acts of Faith…

I am a woman first….

I’m a woman FIRST, and I’m black SECOND.

When the the baby comes out of the woman’s womb, the doctor doesn’t name the race of the baby. The doctor says that it’s either a boy or a girl.

That’s how I think nowadays. That’s how I think more bw should think.

Anonymous said: why is our local news made a little segment on educated black women alone.. then this week they did from the male perspective on why were alone...their conclusion? we want men with education like us..and our strong will power comes off as disrespect in comparison to white women..I AM JUST DONEEEEEEEE

Greetings Anon!

If you are truly DONE, I encourage you and other bw who are serious about living well to participate in The First National Tune-Out Neutral, Low-Value, And No-Value Black Men Week.

As someone you has done this long-term, I can’t tell you how much better I feel mentally. BW don’t realize how much their toxic environments (physical and virtual) poison their psyche until they have allowed themselves this kind of mental vacation. This will give you a chance to focus on the people, activities and events that will enrich your life instead of wasting precious time talking about the latest round of bw-bashing from knee-grows y’alls Black KANGS.

Here is the follow-up post to the Tune-Out Week.

For anyone who makes a commitment to do this (this is your mental health we are talking about), I would love to hear how it went AND hear from bw who have already been implementing this in their life.

As for why media uses (DBR) bm to speak on our behalf….I might need a whole post. Let me know if you want my thoughts on that :)

Live Well!

Loving v. Virginia

I find it ironic that over 40 years ago, the Loving v. Virginia case involving a black woman marrying a white man led to miscegenation laws being overturned across the country. Black men saw it as their “emancipation proclamation” as they sought non-black women, but most black women continue to limit their choices of men; non-bm who are more than capable of providing for and and protecting bw who have not gotten that in the bc.

"More and more individual African-American women living well by being married to quality men is the long-term solution to most of African-American women’s collective problems."
-Sojourner’s Passport

Live Well!

Pan-African Leaders: Did They Fool You?

"Black men have been charting their own paths towards self aggransidenment while black male identified women try to convince other black women that ‘we’ black men and woman, are really on the same path and we only need to be patient and understanding.

If pan africanist women want to be taken seriously they might do well to splinter off from anything to do with black pan africanist men, because then they will make more sense than what is being made at this point with Pan africanism trying to merge love of all things white and light with talk of black uplift. Even a half wit can see something totally odd with that.

Those pan africanist women who think we black women who use our brains and God given judgement are fools and lost and in white supremacist grip, well I throw this one wider and say….. Whose the fool here, Judge for yourselves!”

Read the entire post at DateAWhiteGuy.

(LOVE the comments in this post. Some bw are starting to wake up :)

Response Part 3

This is the last of my response I promise lol

La Perla Nera: ”You were not created by God to be with a bm and you will not go to hell for marrying and having a family with a non-bm.” - This is just absurd. I have also heard this and I just… It’s absurd.

I know! I felt so silly typing that. Just what are they teaching in the black church these days?? Or is that something a few bw came up with on their own and it ended up on the tips of everyone tongues?

La Perla Nera:
“Keeping It Real” - What should we consider “Keeping It Real”? I believe it is supporting our culture, our history, communities, entrepeneurs and artists. Not forgetting were we came from and pass it on the next generation.

I wrote that “keeping it real” phrase in reference to the excuses too many bw use to ‘let it all hang out’. If I suggest to a bw that she shouldn’t be so loud when she talks or laughs in a restaurant, I get the usual response of "I’m just keepin it real! I’m not trying to please nobody. Why I gotta be fake? This is me!" and then they continue to make a fool of themselves and wonder why people treat them differently. Sigh.

I really loath that phrase. It’s a horrible excuse for not being your best and limits the interaction those women will have with people. I know I’m not going to befriend someone who doesn’t know it’s inappropriate to be so loud that people several yards away from you turn to stare. Common sense. Just because I burp and laugh out loud at home, does not translate into me doing that at a business lunch or in the classroom. There are many components to who I am but that doesn’t mean they’re appropriate for every situation. There is a time and a place for everything. That’s all I was saying there.

You said:"We don’t have to marry a black men to pass our culture to our children - we can do so by showing them the history, teaching them the culture and other ways they can be in terms, familiar with their heritage and accept who they are."

YES! Your children get your husband’s culture and your AA culture or what ever culture you identify with and they learn to appreciate both.

You said: "Of course, marrying a black men will reinforce it but it’s not imperative."

Nope. Just because my husband is black doesn’t mean my kids will appreciate the Civil Rights Movement more than if I marry a Frenchman. Are the 70% of black babies born OOW (Out of Wedlock) to black fathers, who are for the most part absent, better off than the kids with black moms and non-black fathers? Does it look like they have learned to appreciate their heritage and culture? We know the answers to these questions.

You said: ”“No. If I had married him, he would now be the President.” - translation: a woman’s worth lol. Inspirational ^^

Me: I can’t help but stan for The First Lady : )

Speaking of Michelle Obama, it’s interesting the things I have heard from bm and wm where I live. Before wm and the media started taking interest in her, I heard really nasty things about her coming from bm’s mouths. The usual ‘dark butt’ comments. But as soon as they heard some of the wm talk positively about her body, her skin, the way she speaks and carries herself, etc, they switched gears and all of a sudden Barack was THE MAN. It’s very telling.

Thanks for the questions La Perla Nera!

Live Well!

Black Women Living Well

The best advertisement for the strategic-thinking BW is herself. Her brand. It is not necessary to publicly proclaim anything other than the fact that you are living well. The best thing any of us can do to help uplift the image of Black women and girls is to become our best selves and live amazing lives.

Why would an AA woman care about anyone who is of no value to her?

I don’t believe in “black unity” or “black people gotta stick together” because I know that without a community, that’s wishful thinking.

You now have and have had for many years women like me who are post-AA bm. I don’t care who bm are with as long as they’re not draining any kind of resources from bw or mistreating bw.

AA men, in general, have proven to be of no value to AA women. There are exceptions, but exceptions don’t prove rules.

I don’t believe the majority of AA men are suitable or make quality companions for AA women. Not anymore. I think it’s far better for many AA women to be alone or with quality men of other races than to be with typical, incompatible, zombie-like AA males. If I see a typical AA man with a non-bw, I don’t see that as a negative. He’s with that woman and so are his issues. It is far better that she deal with his issues than another bw.

So if he is of no value to an AA woman, why would an AA woman care about anyone who is of no value to her?

imnotbitching said: How do I get other bw to STOP acting like my being a nerd is a bad thing. I was told that school is over and I can stop with all the "big words" and stop watching history channel all the time. I'd rather be smart and well spoken than pretty and dumb. I cringe to hear how my fellow bw speak in public sometimes and how they let bm speak to them. Your advice?

Hey Imnotbitching!

You said: "I cringe to hear how my fellow bw speak in public sometimes and how they let bm speak to them."

Oh Lord! It is truly a sight to see! I cringe easily when embarrassing things happen to people like someone trips up the stairs or stumbles over their words giving a presentation. But I am horrified by the way a lot of bg/bw SPEAK and DRESS and ACT in public.

I can hear the screaming now: “But white women dress like rags and no one cares!! Why do we have to act and look our best all the time?!? What’s wrong with the way I talk? I’m not here to please anybody! Imma do me! Imma be real!” Sigh…

You can tell who was raised to have self-respect and followed those lessons and who just didn’t give a damn. And that’s the point!

You can easily separate the 5-10% of bw who:

walk with good posture and confidence
make good eye contact
use soft to medium voice volume
wear (feminine) outfits that compliment their body

are articulate
speech is slang-free
have a smile/happy look on their face

from the masses of bw who:

wear Nikes/Timberlands/house slippers with every outfit
still have the hairnet/hairwrap on their head
smack their gum with their mouthes open
don’t know they are talking too loud both indoors and outdoors(yes, one can be too loud outside)
are unaware of their angry facial expressions (I’ve had to work on that)
wear 2 sizes too small ghetto clothing labels (Fubu, Sean John, Baby Phat, J. Lo, House of Dereon) that are ironically expensive but of poor quality
use Ebonics in non-black social constructs
scratch their head (not subtly mind you) like they have lice, etc.

I guess my point is, I think the best thing you can do is to continue to be your best self and make improvements if necessary. That could be turning your ‘watching History Channel all the time’ habit into tutoring who need help with Geography or History class, then do it, because it is adding value to your life (Help the kids, help your resume, help yourself).

You said: "How do I get other bw to STOP acting like my being a nerd is a bad thing?"

I feel like the “actions speak louder than words" saying works here best. If other bw see you doing this AND see how you are treated and received well by others, maybe this will make them stop and think about their rotten behavior and connect it to the poor treatment they receive. Or they won’t and they will continue to bring you down to their level lol. I would just do my best to distance myself from people like that. Those are not the kind of people you want to associate with in public, or private for that matter, and I don’t see how they are adding value to your life.

I’m at the point in my life where lecturing how important public persona is to bp is a waste of precious time. We can look at the glossy photos of the 40s and 50s and see how beautiful and presentable the MAJORITY of bw and they were living under much harsher conditions.

Please take a look at these series of Finishing School Fridays at Sojourners Passport. I would read Beauty as a Weaopn FIRST to get you started. you will find many like-minded bw there. Feel free to send these links to those bw if you think it would help change their minds, but I wouldn’t lose sleep over it if they flat out reject the kind gesture.

Well, I hope I was able to help you out. If you have more questions don’t hesitate to ask :)

Live Well!

Anonymous said: I would definitely consider myself an equal opportunity dater, I like men who are attractive to me and that can be in several forms. But I go to school at a small private school in the south and find it difficult to actually pursue this. In addition people always assume that I want to be with the black guys on campus but really I'd rather be dating outside my race.

thoughts on what to do?


Hello my dear Anon!

This is a great question! Let’s be honest, it is quite clear that the majority of bw were not raised to befriend, marry, or just hang out with non-black men, especially white men. Who are all the fathers of the 70% of black children born OOW? Yeah.. What are black women told when they go to their black churches? Wait and pray…wait and pray…and…wait and pray. For what? For their black KANG to come. inserts finger in mouth

Luckily for you and other interested bw, these topics are being discussed by other bw and I think they can be very helpful for those bw who:

a. are used to being around non-bm, or non-black social constructs b. don’t know when they are being hit on by non-bm c. want to learn how to VET any guy that crosses their path

I will list some of those blog posts below. I don’t have much to go on with your situation, so if you would like to reply back with more specifics about you and your environment, that’s fine. But here are two of my questions for you:

What kind of clubs/organizations are you involved in? Are they mostly filled with black students?

-It would be a good idea to look into joining other clubs where they have the kinds of guys you are interested in meaning and you’ll both have something in common. For example, if you are really active, join the running club, flag football or Frisbee club. Are you really into science and technology? There should be clubs on your campus dedicated to that, even if it isn’t your major. Don’t worry about knowing everything there is to know about said subject. That’s what they guys are for. The guys I know like to talk and they love showing and explaining things to you ; ) If you are religious, I’m sure there are those type of groups on campus. If religion is your thing, it would be a great idea for you to meet more religious people that are not in the typical all-black constructs. Especially for those who want their Christian man, I don’t see 95% of bw getting that in the black church.

Are you one of those girls who doesn’t know when they are being pursued by non-bm, specifically white guys?

-I still am one of those people. A lot of bw are used to bm who are loud and abrasive and in your face when they want your attention. Bw figure other guys will do the same if they are interested in you. WRONG! Repeat after me:
I am not a hooker or a prostitute. Any male that tries to “Holla” at me on the streets is a male to be AVOIDED.

The wm I’m around are either subtle or I’m just not even paying attention (That not ‘paying attention’ business could be a deeper issue of expecting non-bm to not find me attractive, but that’s another topic altogether). Non-bm may be trying to pursue you and you don’t even know it.

Hopefully the links below will be of assistance to you and give you a good laugh (some of the women who leave comments are hilarious).

Why won’t he ask me out?
The Art of Conversation
Common Sense Doesn’t Mean Compromise
How “Big” Is Too Big When Dating Interracially?
Are Black Women Still Blowing Their Dating Chances?
The Art of Manliness

Let me know if any of this was helpful (I’m a new at this lol)!!

Live Well!

The best thing black women and girls can do to uplift their image is to become their best selves.
It's not necessary to publicly proclaim anything other than the fact that you are living well. ♥

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